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So whats your decision Lizzy? You wanna do this my way or the hard way? I hated those words. Every time she said that, what it really meant was give me what I want, or Ill make you wish you had. This time, instead of images of a belt drawing blood across my skin, her words conjured images of me screaming and flailing on the living room floor, invisible hands holding me down, the heat of other bodies scalding me in the darkness, forcing me to feel a pleasure I was ashamed to feel. If sex is pleasure and abuse is pain, then rape is a turmoil that makes me desire punishment. I knew what they did to me, what they would continue doing to me, was wrong, but my body had betrayed me. Knowing that part of me enjoyed it, even if it was just some reflex no one has control over, it was enough to make me hate myself. I was struggling to convince myself that it wasnt my fault. I didnt ask for what happened. I cant help how my body feels either. These are things I cant control. Why should I feel. Francis was nowhere to be seen. I was relieved and happy to have Sue all to myself, although I was embarrassed to realize the tiniest part of my brain was a little disappointed. Pushing this thought away, I dropped my bags and took my wife of twenty years in my arms and it felt like we were the only two people in all the world. We held each other so tight, our embrace seeming to go on for ages and ages.Finally, I released Sue and pulled back to look into at the face of this wonderful woman that was my life. Her cheeks were wet, and I leaned forward to gently kiss her tears away. I brushed her hair back, my heart feeling just as it did those twenty-five years ago when we first met. We kissed softly, enjoying the taste after what seemed an eternity apart. Ignoring the crowds around us, I hugged Sue again. Maybe making sure she was really there. The second embrace nearly as long as the first.In the cab, we talked and held hands just like a couple of teenagers on a first date. I knew I.
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